Allons-y!!

 As of November 30th I will be moving from the Downtown Honolulu area and moving to another city, Kapolei. I have really loved living in this apartment, however there were some things that were going downhill which gave me the extra push to move out.

There comes a point, when you have roommates, to decide whether or not its really worth living there. I noticed little things missing, such as: toilet paper (who steals toilet paper?!), my special KerActive shampoo, towels, food, etc. I also noticed someone was going into my room when I wasn't there. I didn't confront my roommate about it, or my landlord who also lives in the apartment with us, I just decided to watch my things closely. It's sad that someone would take something that belonged to someone else, but it happens. 

Any who, I am sad that I won't have access to a pool, jacuzzi, 24 hour gym, spa, and the convenience of living a whopping 7 minute walk from work--but I LOVE KAPOLEI. It's a new city on Oahu and it's very promising to be the next Downtown Honolulu. I like how its more quiet and things aren't so expensive as the downtown area. 

Tomorrow, Nov. 28th we get the keys to move in. I'm so excited! I spent the entire day packing my boyfriends house (apparently, he's a big baby sick) and I've already taken care of my apartment. I'm really happy.

The four months I lived at Capitol Place, I learned a lot about myself, my life, and what is really important to me. Before, I never did the day-to-day needs and I really never have been ALONE. I've always had my sister, family, or boyfriend there. I learned a lot about myself while being alone. I realized I need alone time to become relaxed so my brain isn't overworked. I'm so used to going above and beyond for everyone else, that I wasn't doing it for myself.

I really encourage anyone who is wanting to move out from their parents to their boyfriend's house to really slow down. Even though I was only on "my own" for four months, this time was very beneficial for me. It actually helped my relationship and I'm at a much better place before I moved into my apartment. It helped me learn more about me. It forced me to look at my wants and needs.

Now that I have this new outlook, I am excited for this new adventure, now that I know what I need for myself. As the tenth doctor would say, Allons-y!! 

Spy Level: Girlfriend

Sometimes we come across things that we aren't supposed to see; whether its an email, a text message, or some other form of documentation. Once we see these things by snooping or inadvertently coming across it, it can be hurtful. Is it ever good to read it or search for more? I know a lot of people look through their partner's phones to see if they are staying true to the relationship.

I was an assistant to a girl at a radio station I used to work for, I thought we were friends and she was very nice and sincere. One day she was out of the office and called me and asked if I could look for something in her sent box. That's when I accidentally saw where she had been talking about me to her then fiance. It was basically talking about my lack of intelligence and that I was a slow learner. Of course, I could never confront her on that because I accidentally saw it, however, I never respected her the same again. The accusations weren't true. I remember asking her a few days later if I needed to work on anything and how I was generally doing, no response was given to me. No constructive criticism. If anything, what she stated are actually my best qualities, considering I went from a newbie legal assistant to a paralegal in 8 short months. Shortly after coming across that email, I left and started working where I am currently employed.

I have never been one to snoop in other people's things. Its rude and I wouldn't want anyone to do it to me. Its not that I have nothing to hide, but I could have been venting or speaking out of context about something else--which could be highly misinterpreted.

In the past, I have come across my boyfriend talking to another girl. After my heart sank a little bit, I did decide to read the entire chain of emails. I was disheartened in what I saw but the key is to pick your battles. I didn't confront him about it, but I did keep her name in my memory bank to use if it did happen again.

After seeing what can sometimes not be forgotten, you have to choose what to do with the information you have. Psychotic rampage? Interrogation methods? I wouldn't do either of those, but I think it's good to see why your partner is talking badly about you, when the time is right.

If you see your partner talking to multiple people, I think drastic measures should be taken. Not psychotic ones, but maybe decide if the relationship is really what you want.

A lovely quote from the wall flower "we accept the love that we think we deserve".

I know that no one deserves to be second best or twenty-seventh best. You should be the best to someone and your special someone should be number one to you as well.

Don't be a door mat but remember to use the information you have wisely.

My November Favorites

I love finding inexpensive little gems. So far, for the month of November these are my favorites:

Paul Mitchell: Forever Blonde Shampoo $17

This purple metallic shampoo helps keep my hair frizz free and healthy. I use it every day and my hair, which was dramatically colored lighter is nice and silky smooth. It has the awesome KerActive protein that really helps keep your hair healthy.





TokyoMilk Perfume: Song in D Minor $36

I am not one to wear perfume. If I do I tend to stay with Versace or Michael Kors. After getting a massage at a boutique style salon, I picked up the tester and it instantly reminded me of my childhood in Japan. I picked up the bottle and happily paid the $36. I have been using it for 2 weeks and there isn't a dent in the bottle. This fragrance is White Orchid, Orange Flower, Gardenia, and Amber. It smells so light and fresh.








Essie Nail Polish in Merino Cool $6

I am addicted to nail polish, especially Essie brand because I love the names of the different colors and I like that it lasts longer than OPI. This color is perfect for November and matches all my clothes and is a lot more visually appealing verses my usual black polish.



Ghirardelli Dark Chocolate and Carmel Squares:

Oh my sweet-toothness! So yummy and satisfying, it helps when things are hectic at work. Definitely worth taking a break for. These make the holiday season so much better.  What's even better, I purchased them for $2.99 at Ross!














Leave a comment on what your favorite product is and I'll feature some of them next month! :)

Holiday Go To Outfit

The holidays are coming up and that means a lot of parties. I like having a go-to outfit that is super easy to wear and that doesn't take a lot of fuss. I don't have time to run to the dry cleaners or have the money to spend on a punch of outfits I'll only wear once. I was recently asked what I was planning on wearing for the holiday season for non-formal parties. For a party I recently went to, I wore a simple Bluish-Purple Dress, a collar necklace, a black jacket, black tights, and black wedges. I had fun with my make up and hair.

Dress: Target Brand, $24.99

Jacket Coverup: Macy's INC, $24.99

Shoes: Nine West, $55.00

Neckless: Forever21, $5.99
Tights: Hanes, $3.99

Hair: A Jersey amount of hair spray, along with anti-frizz serum and a 1 1/4'' curling iron.

Makeup: Virgin in the the original naked eye palette,  HD Forever liquid matte foundation, and a translucent finishing powder.

I didn't have to purchase anything expect for the tights, it doesn't get cold in Hawaii--only chilly (68 degrees lol). It's just other things that I incorporated and have never worn together before. I have been trying to save money, so instead of buying new dresses I am just going to keep revolving what I have. For each holiday party

I go to I'll mix up my neckless, hair style, and possibly my jacket (...hmmm maybe add a few metallic skinny belts). I am not a fan of black dresses, since everyone usually wears them--I like to stand out.

Have a fun holiday season with your outfits. Black is out and fun colors are in! Express yourself.

Sarah

My Favorite Products

  *Disclaimer: I am not sponsored by any of the below companies and I do not receive compensation of any kind regarding the below. These are my thoughts and opinions.

I received a request to talk about my beauty regime and what I use on a regular basis. Here is what I use.

Skin: I used to frequent the tanning salons when I was younger. When I did, I started to use Hempz lotion. This stuff is the best in my book. It makes my skin feel silky smooth. It is non-greasy or oily. I no longer tan, however I still buy this lotion. It's great for everyday use and I usually apply after I take a shower. They have different fragrances. This is not the same Hempz lotion that they sell at Walmart, I thought it was the same--until I brought it home. I usually purchase Hempz at tanning salons and some spas carry this as well. I have also seen it on Amazon and of course, you can purchase it at the Hempz website. It costs me about  for $15 and it lasts for about 2 months.

Eyes: When I thought money grew on trees, I used to purchase Dior Mascara at Sephora. I would go out with my (now former) friend, and my mascara would suddenly go missing *dramatic eye roll with no dior mascara*. The day after, I really needed mascara so I stopped into a drug store on the way to work and stumbled upon L'Oreal Paris Voluminous Million Lashes. It was about $7 and gave the same results as the Dior Mascara. I use waterproof black and I have been using it ever since. Usually two coats and my eye lashes are long and gorgeous.

Lips: A few posts ago, I wrote about my Too Faced, La Creme lip stick. I wear this everyday and apply only twice. It's a great product that I pick up at Sephora. It is $21.00, which is a little pricey for lipstick but I really love it. Per Sephora's Website: Indulge lips with luxurious color and super moisturizers including white lotus flower and power peptides. This rich formula comes in abundant shades in four essential color ranges: nudes, spices, pinks, and reds. Edited to only the most fashionable shades, it’s impossible to pick just one.

Teeth: Every 6 months I whiten my teeth with Crest Whitening Strips-Advanced Vivid. They work for me, I know a lot of other people don't like them. I usually wear the stips before taking a shower, washing my face, and getting ready for bed. They can be costly, however when I see them at my local drug store on sale, I purchase 2. On Walmart's website they are listed for $39.97, however I purchased 2 for $19.95 each when they were on sale. Just keep a look out. Remember to check the box to see if there is an expiration date.

Nails: I use Burt's Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Cream, I have it in my purse at all times. I found this particular product at Walmart for about $3. I use it twice a day and I've had it for over a month. I usually apply it at work during down times. It's not waxy or has an overpowering smell.

Skin Care: Philosophy's Purity Made Simple helps my skin. My skin used to be very splotchy, dry, and full of blemishes. I received a sample of Purity and I loved it so much, I purchased it once my sample was finished.

Sephora sells this for $20 for 8oz. The 8 oz bottle has lasted me for about 4 months. It is a pH-balanced formula that dissolves dirt and makeup while deep cleaning pores.

Concealer: Laura Mercier: I use the SC3 since my skin has a very annoying tendency to turn pink. This can be purchased at Sephora for $30. I use it regularly and I've had this concealer for about 3 months now.

Per Sephora's Website: This versatile concealer contains a unique two-shade system: one to match the skin's depth of color and one to match the skin's undertone, making it possible for every woman to custom-blend her own perfect shade. The high level of pigment requires very little product to achieve perfect coverage.
 

Face Makeup: Later this week I will cover face makeup, I have a bunch of different stuff and will cover it there. Stay tuned!



Blog Entry Requests

Aloha. Bonjour. Konnichiwa. Hello!

I have been a little busy lately and haven’t had time to update as often as I’d like. I plan on updating this blog more often. My goal is at least Wednesdays and Saturdays.

I have received some requests to talk about certain topics from people who read this blog. If you ever have any requests, please comment in this blog. The comments are moderated and I don’t make them public. So other than you and I, no one will see the requests. You can definitely remain anonymous.

Enjoy :)

In Memory of Willard Moore

If you have been following me on Pinterest, you'd know that I've been really keen on Doctor Who. I am pinning everything into my wibbly wobbly timey wimey board. I love the Doctor and all of his companions (all, except Martha--really). It has really taught me a lot. It's one of those television shows that has everything for everyone.

I was watching the episode when the Doctor and Amy were with Vincent Van Gogh (spoilers!) and the Doctor said

“the way I see it, every life is a pile of good things & bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but, vice versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant”

The bad things in life don’t spoil the good things. I think that’s the disconnect with most people. I used to be able to hold a grudge against someone because of one bad thing that they did, and I forgot all of the good things that they did. Just because they did one bad thing, didn’t cancel out all of the good things.

On September 26^th my Grandfather passed away. First and foremost, I love my grandfather. I wanted to make that extremely clear before I start this.

My grandfather did a lot of very bad things to his family when it came to money and he lied often. His reputation was tarnished and that’s what he was known for. Circa 1995: I remember when our family lived in Houston, he picked up my sister and me and he told us that he was taking us to a Leann Rimes concert. Leann was very popular during that time. My sister and I were so excited; we had never been to a concert before. We got to where the “concert” was supposed to be and there wasn’t one. No people. No stage. No Leann Rimes. I remember him stopping and asking people about the concert. My sister and I were upset, we went back home and didn’t say anything. It was a fabricated lie. Looking back, I think he was trying to show his love for us, but in his reality. I have heard stories as well as witnessed the damaged he has caused, this was just one example.

When I first found out that he was ailing a few weeks ago, I tried to remember good things about him. It was honestly very hard. My “memory well” was poisoned with stories and experiences. Of course, I didn’t want him to be sick or die. I later found out that he was going to go into hospice. Like David Tenant and Matt Smith always urge in Doctor Who, every human life is important. The bad things in life don’t spoil the good. I sat down and made a list of all the wonderful things and memories, a few are:

1. The Fourth of July Parade with all of the family members.
2. He used to drive with his knees and my sister and I would giggle.
3. He would have a small refrigerator outside and it would be filled with Dr. Pepper.
4. He had a pool and my sister and I would play in it with him, Aunt Janet, Uncle Robert, and their dog.
5. When my family moved from Carlyle, IL to Houston, TX; I went with my grandpa via U-Haul. That’s when I formed my love of R&B. It took us a little over a day to get there.
6. One thanksgiving during my college years, he helped us prepare Thanksgiving dinner.
7. His love for BBC America, Sherlock Holmes, and Mysteries. He loved to read.
8. He had this waterbed and he would throw my sister and I on it like it was a trampoline.

These great things will not be spoiled by the bad things. I will learn from my grandfather’s mistakes. Yes, there were bad things and good things. I think he was a good person who was just lost along the way. I love my grandfather so much. Anyone that reads this and knew him, please remember: The bad things in life don’t spoil the good things.

In Memory of Willard Moore

  

My Lovely Sunday: Jewelry Organizing

 This past weekend I was organizing my closet. I finally got out all of the unnecessary junk (suit cases, rubbermaid containers, etc) and put it into the storage unit in the building I live in. I also wanted to find a way to organize my jewelry so I wear it more often. In the past all of my necklaces, bracelets, and earrings were in a disarray in clear fish tackle box. 

I had to go to Ross on sunday to see if they had any towels on sale, with no luck in the towel selection I stumbled upon the tie organizer. At first I thought I could use it for scarfs or belts, but when I came home and had no place to put my necklace. I decided to see if my things would fit on the tie jewelry organizer. 

Along the right side of the organizer, the black rubber bars lift up from the metal--this makes it easy to remove any item that you want. I am sure if you wanted to do this, you could decorate it. I liked how it looked at the end and didn't think I should add anything else.

The top row I placed my long/bulky necklaces along with bracelets and rings. As the rows go further down, I place the necklaces throughout the rubber bars. 

I have added this to the top row of my closet, right next to my clothes so when I'm picking out what I'm going to wear I can pick out my accessories at the same time. 

I do keep my earrings in the tackle boxes, I haven't figured out how I'm going to display those. However, I'm sure I'll find a creative way.

Gotta Love SEPHORA

I'm waiting to go out with my friend and I decided to write in my blog since I haven't for awhile, it's been hectic and I'm sure I'll explain later once I wrap my head around everything.I finally fixed my make up, it's below. I'm seeing spots a little from the bathroom light shining in my eyes.

Recently I went from really beautiful blonde to a better blondish color that was better for my skin. I really like it. While switching hair color I noticed that my make-up wasn't matching... so, I purchased a few things from Sephora. I just took this picture and it's dark out, but it's a beautiful dark blonde with no highlights and sublet low lights.

Close-ups may make hair shorter than it appears :)

Yes, I know my eyebrows are untamed and unruly...but I like them.

IN OBSERVANCE OF LABOR DAY, EVERYONE MUST SHOP.

The other day I was in Microsoft Word and I thought to myself Does anyone play around with the designed fonts anymore?.... nah... Apparently, My work building does!

During the lovely holiday, I went to Sephora and did a little damage. It doesn't look like much but this is what I got. Links are included.

From left to right:

Too Faced Tented Beauty Balm, Too Faced La Creme Lip Blam, Kate Somerville Exfolikate, and Kate Somerville Moisturizer

Kate Somerville has an amazing line filled with things that will make you 1) look youthful or 2) continue to look youthful. 

I don't have a picture of the moisturizer because it's currently in the bathroom with my roommate just darted into. Which makes me afraid to go inside after she's finished. However, it's very nice and silky on my skin. 

http://www.sephora.com/kate-somerville

In Naked Dolly

http://www.sephora.com/product/productDetail.jsp?skuId=1442342

I am usually not one to wear lipstick, lip gloss, let alone chap-stick  but I ADORE Naked Dolly. I think it's the perfect color and I don't have to apply it too often. I like that it's still sheer enough to see my actual lip color. 

So far the Beauty Balm is nice, I think mine is a little dark. I was expecting it to be like the silicone base pore corrector that Too Faced has, but it's not. I do like it though. 

Somewhere, over the Rainbow.

I was on my lunch break today and I saw a homeless man with a sign that read "Without the Rain, there would be no Rainbow" he was sitting on the curb in the pouring rain. I was running around, getting a cup of coffee, and I pretty much froze in my tracks when I saw him. His face was covered in dirt, his hair grey and scraggly, his remaining teeth were rotten. His clothes were tattered but he seemed to be happy. I stood there mystified and he gave me a grin, and I smiled back.

This man, with his shopping cart full of possessions had a lovely sign. It was a message for not only him self, but for everyone who was meant to see it.  

I was meant to see it.

I can't help but think that he wasn't actually talking about the rain, but the experiences in life and what's going on around us. Was it a coincidence? 

I don't know if it was the drops from the sky or tears in my eyes, but my eyes were watery. I think he is a very intelligent man. I really wish I had gotten a picture.

I love little treasures like that... The best of all? A lovely Rainbow when I got home:

30 Aug 2012

faint rainbow overlooking Downtown Honolulu and Waikiki, Diamond head in the background.

The Land of Milktea and Honey

I've lived on my "own" for almost a month now, I have budgeted my money.

I went to Yelp and decided to look for inexpensive, yet, somewhat quality food. Apparently, that's a lot to ask for. I live close to Chinatown, but I don't like buying fruits and veggies from urine tainted sidewalks. The local Safeway and Longs Drugs are too expensive, and are usually out of stock.

I decided that I was going to go to the Westside of the island and I found Don Quijote. OMG I was in heaven. Don Quijote had a very Japanese feel to it. There were so many foods that I had never seen before--I went a little out of the box with Grapples. Maybe next time I'll venture out a little. I know I will go back, I had lived in Japan for a good part of my life, and I miss it dearly and Don Quijote was very nostalgic. I miss japanese nicknacks and their cute characters. There were so many things I wanted, but had to stick with the budget. About 2 hours and $70 later I left with all of this:

Grapple--deliciousness!! Apples soaked in Grape Juice

Carrot Juice and Mr. Bond Coffee <<insert James Bond Joke...>> lol

Clearly, a kitty cat magnet, glass eiffel tower, and baby blue box aren't in the budget--but so Japanese Kawaii :)

I was thrilled that I was able to get a good quantity of produce and other various items that weren't expensive. It's important to me to be able to buy things that aren't expensive. I love to get facials and have spa days--I would rather spend my money on that, verses food.

Most of the things I purhcase go with my diet. I decided that I'm going to kick start the first 90 days with the Body by Vi challenge. To me, this is the best way and realistic. My issues are not eating during the day, and cramming it all in at night. Now if I have a vitamin based drink for breakfast, it will help me until I can eat lunch.

I am pretty excited about reaching my first goal, I want to be my goal weight by my 25th birthday in January. That would be lovely :) I know it's going to take a lot of work, but I'm excited.

Always wear your Invisible Crown

 

What exactly is an invisible crown and how do you get one? Well, if you have to ask—maybe you’re already dethroned.  

Just Kidding.

Lately, I have been living life as though I'm wearing an invisible crown (read: not diva). I have been carrying myself with strength, self-respect, respect to others, and dignity. I haven’t been rude, yelled, or acted in a nasty in any way. 

I know I used to not be a very nice person, I would get angry pretty often and be straight out rude to everyone--strangers, friends, my loved ones. Finally, I realized why am I so angry? 

There are many things I didn't let go. I thought I couldn't let go. I had high anxiety that I could not release. One day, when I was first learning about Zen Buddhism I realized tomorrow may not come. Would I want to look back and think "why did I let these small things make my life horrible"? The next morning I woke up and decided I was going to forgive and learn from these life experiences. My anxiety is in a forever hibernation. 

I have realized how much stress has gone away now that I'm nice to people, my voice is higher and I am friendly to everyone. It makes me happy when I make others happy that I don't even know. I am sincere and courteous to everyone I come in contact with. My life has been much better now that I keep my heart free from hate and worry.

Another aspect of wearing an invisible crown, one must remember to smile—even if the day hasn’t gone so well. Sometimes people feel stuck in a rut—they go through the motions and don’t really enjoy life. I know that I have a demanding work life and I used to have hardly any “me” time.

Usually the only me time I would have consisted of watching old episodes of The Office while my brain started to form into the consistency of bread pudding. Watching TV to me isn’t really a break, you’re not really focusing on you or relaxing.

I think that it’s important for everyone to celebrate themselves, in some sort of way, every day.

I have recently started my own positive thinking mindset and “celebrate” myself. It has helped tremendously in my very stressful job. When I get home, I usually try to do something for myself, which makes me feel better.

Some examples of (healthy) celebratory things I’ve accomplished lately:

                Dance around in Hello Kitty Socks

                Give myself a facial, with Kate Somerville glorious products

                Make cute designs on my finger nails

                Drink out of my special Batman Cup

                Have a small glass of Moscato

               

A few of the things above take maybe 10 minutes, but it works for me. I go to bed at nice and have peaceful dreams and wake up—attempting to conquer the world (in a courteous fashion, of course!)

Popcorn's thin line

Have you ever experienced wanting/needing something all day, and you looked forward to it. Well, for me it was popcorn.

I went to work and usually there is a costco-size box full of popcorn bags. This guy and his greasy, buttery fingers, shoveling popcorn into his face told me there wasn't any popcorn bags. I told myself I would make popcorn when I got home from working out.

When I got home there wasn't any popcorn, someone ate it all. Damn the luck.

I went to the vending machines downstairs and got the LAST BAG. I was doing this mix of a happy dance/OMG tinkle time in the elevator. I put my popcorn in the microwave and I became preoccupied. All of a sudden I smelled something burning.

Needless to say, it was the popcorn.

I mean, there isn't anything salvageable. There is a thin line between kinda toasted and burnt. This was definitely burnt.

However, I got to meet the neighbors :)

New goals for my new chapter

It's been about a week since I moved into my apartment. My room has been a sanctuary for me. I've been fighting emotional battles for most of my life, so it's nice to have a place of my own. Where I feel safe and happy.

Most people don't know that I have a binge eating disorder. One of my goals while living on my own is successfully addressing and overcoming this issue. Binge eating is usually a punch line in a "period" joke, but its a real thing and can be as equally dangerous as anorexia or bulimia.

Growing up wasn't super easy for me. I remember worrying a lot. My dad would be deployed somewhere for awhile, so it was just my mom, my sister, and me. My mom would say "why are you worrying so much? It's not normal to worry". I think I was 7 or 8.

When my dad would be gone, my mom would treat us to McDonalds--which was a treat, because we didn't go there often. We'd also be treated to ice cream, pizza, or zebra cakes. I'm not too sure why this started or how this started, but my sister and I would get excited for it. We'd have "sleep overs" in our house and all three of us would watch Goldie Hawn movies and eat what we called "girl sandwiches" with chips and dip along with a sugary soda. This was a great way to take my mind off the feelings that I had from missing my dad.

We moved to Japan when I was about 11 or 12. My brother wasn't born yet, I remember my sister and I didn't make friends at first. We were in a foreign country and we were experiencing culture shock. My sister and I would go to the Shopette (similar to a gas station) and we'd buy soda or candy. This was around the time we both started to get chubby. It was horrible.

When we moved to Hawaii, it was the same deal. In high school my sister and I both lost a lot of weight from soccer. Boys in the neighborhood would make fun of my weight, call me horrible names, and made sure to make my life a living hell. Looking back at pictures, I wasn't fat at all. I wasn't even overweight.

After high school graduation, I started to become a little chubby. I moved to Texas and ended up in an emotionally abusive situation with my dad's side of the family. They were absolutely horrible people. My grandfather would say that my cousins were prettier than me in front of everyone. The summer before my freshman year of college, I was rescued by my Nana and Aunt Janet. They built my confidence before going to college. I'll alway be grateful for that. I haven't talked to my dad's side since 2007.

My college experience was okay, I was there for a year before moving back to Hawaii. I met a guy and we really hit it off. He was amazing.

My relationship with this guy was an emotional roller-coaster. We were dating and living together. He moved to California for school in April of 2008 and I moved to San Antonio at the end of May to live with my Nana. After a not so great college experience, I had a plan to join the Air Force. My Nana was gracious and welcomed me with open arms. My Nana and Aunt Janet built up my confidence, once again, and I felt amazing. I lost a lot of weight.

That's when the shit storm happened. At the end of June, I flew to California to see my boyfriend graduate. We drove from San Diego to Dallas. It was a fun experience. After arriving in Dallas I spent a few days there. A little before Independence Day, I flew back to San Antonio. I had spent fourth of July with my amazing family, then the phone rang.

To this day, my heart drops when I think about it. My boyfriend had been dating this other girl, and they were engaged and were planning to be married....in 2 weeks. He told me by phone. It was horrible.

What made it worse was his fiancé was horrible to me. Her, her sister, and mother would send me horrible myspace messages saying I was ugly and fat and one of the messages suggested that I should just end it all. (now, her and I are friends--and she's a good person). I sat and cried. My Nana and Aunt finally learned about these messages and read them all. They told me that it wasn't true.

To this day I'm afraid to read a message that comes up on Facebook, from anyone. I saved all the MySpace messages they sent me, printed them out, and have them in a beautiful hat box tucked deep in my closet. I should burn those.

I also wanted to point out, I don't blame her or anyone for my situation.

From July 6th to July 22nd, I spent most of my time drinking (I wasn't 21 yet), pretending to be happy, and sleeping a lot. I stopped working out and I just was sad. The day and hour they got married I was watching Judge Judy. I looked at the clock and I started balling. My nana came home, gave me one of her migraine pills and I slept for a long time. I remember not being able to feel my arms when I woke. I have no clue how long I actually slept for. When I did finally wake up, I would binge eat and consume massive amounts of Blue Bell ice cream.

I was told that he chose her over me because she was prettier, skinnier, and all around better than me. I believed it. I still believe it to this day.

I moved back to Hawaii shortly thereafter, I decided to get my life together. I went back to college--I paid for it all myself. I started to work at a bankruptcy law firm. I quickly went from a receptionist to a legal assistant while going to school full time. I finished and earned my degree. I kept myself busy, I would binge eat in private. I refused to eat at work. I would go to McDonalds, Burger King, or Taco Bell before going home and eat 3000 calories worth of food in one sitting. I was filling empty feelings and my hurt from the previous summer. I would work out and lose weight, something would happen and I would gain it all back. Then a little more.

As the years passed, I had quit and started a new job, and quit that job for my now current position.

The girl that was above me made me feel ugly, she would make fun of me to my face and behind my back. Her comments were hurtful and I would go in the bathroom and cry. I would then get a cookie or a hot chocolate from the food court in the building. Of course, to make myself feel better.

I was promoted and the girl and I were on the same level and we didn't work together any longer. I was happier and I started to work out again.

In the past year I gained weight due to binge eating. I can't stop it, it always happens at night and I eat everything in sight. I sneak food. It's shameful and it makes me sad. Why am I writing about it? Well my "food counselor" thought it was a good idea to share my secret for my personal growth, for my friends and family, and for anyone who stumbles across this blog.

While living on my own, I have started to develop habits that I hope last a life time. I want to be truly happy and in love with myself--which I'm sad to say I don't think I ever have been.

I hope to look back, a year from now, and blog about the positive changes that I went through.

If anyone in Hawaii is struggling with an eating disorder, I suggest to seek professional help from 'Ai Pono. They specialize in this field.

Now that I've spilled my secret,
I am going to explain my self healing process. Currently, I am trying to look at food a different way. I don't treat myself with Starbucks or with candy. I look at food as fuel for my body.

I have also started "practicing" Zen Buddhism and meditation. It helps clear my mind and once I'm finished, I'm able to focus on what is bothering me. I am not worrying or stressing out like I have before.

Since I'm only a week in, I plan on updating about this situation every Sunday. If anyone who reads this wants to give any tips anominously, you can message me on Facebook.

Until next time,

Sarah