It's been about a week since I moved into my apartment. My room has been a sanctuary for me. I've been fighting emotional battles for most of my life, so it's nice to have a place of my own. Where I feel safe and happy.
Most people don't know that I have a binge eating disorder. One of my goals while living on my own is successfully addressing and overcoming this issue. Binge eating is usually a punch line in a "period" joke, but its a real thing and can be as equally dangerous as anorexia or bulimia.
Growing up wasn't super easy for me. I remember worrying a lot. My dad would be deployed somewhere for awhile, so it was just my mom, my sister, and me. My mom would say "why are you worrying so much? It's not normal to worry". I think I was 7 or 8.
When my dad would be gone, my mom would treat us to McDonalds--which was a treat, because we didn't go there often. We'd also be treated to ice cream, pizza, or zebra cakes. I'm not too sure why this started or how this started, but my sister and I would get excited for it. We'd have "sleep overs" in our house and all three of us would watch Goldie Hawn movies and eat what we called "girl sandwiches" with chips and dip along with a sugary soda. This was a great way to take my mind off the feelings that I had from missing my dad.
We moved to Japan when I was about 11 or 12. My brother wasn't born yet, I remember my sister and I didn't make friends at first. We were in a foreign country and we were experiencing culture shock. My sister and I would go to the Shopette (similar to a gas station) and we'd buy soda or candy. This was around the time we both started to get chubby. It was horrible.
When we moved to Hawaii, it was the same deal. In high school my sister and I both lost a lot of weight from soccer. Boys in the neighborhood would make fun of my weight, call me horrible names, and made sure to make my life a living hell. Looking back at pictures, I wasn't fat at all. I wasn't even overweight.
After high school graduation, I started to become a little chubby. I moved to Texas and ended up in an emotionally abusive situation with my dad's side of the family. They were absolutely horrible people. My grandfather would say that my cousins were prettier than me in front of everyone. The summer before my freshman year of college, I was rescued by my Nana and Aunt Janet. They built my confidence before going to college. I'll alway be grateful for that. I haven't talked to my dad's side since 2007.
My college experience was okay, I was there for a year before moving back to Hawaii. I met a guy and we really hit it off. He was amazing.
My relationship with this guy was an emotional roller-coaster. We were dating and living together. He moved to California for school in April of 2008 and I moved to San Antonio at the end of May to live with my Nana. After a not so great college experience, I had a plan to join the Air Force. My Nana was gracious and welcomed me with open arms. My Nana and Aunt Janet built up my confidence, once again, and I felt amazing. I lost a lot of weight.
That's when the shit storm happened. At the end of June, I flew to California to see my boyfriend graduate. We drove from San Diego to Dallas. It was a fun experience. After arriving in Dallas I spent a few days there. A little before Independence Day, I flew back to San Antonio. I had spent fourth of July with my amazing family, then the phone rang.
To this day, my heart drops when I think about it. My boyfriend had been dating this other girl, and they were engaged and were planning to be married....in 2 weeks. He told me by phone. It was horrible.
What made it worse was his fiancé was horrible to me. Her, her sister, and mother would send me horrible myspace messages saying I was ugly and fat and one of the messages suggested that I should just end it all. (now, her and I are friends--and she's a good person). I sat and cried. My Nana and Aunt finally learned about these messages and read them all. They told me that it wasn't true.
To this day I'm afraid to read a message that comes up on Facebook, from anyone. I saved all the MySpace messages they sent me, printed them out, and have them in a beautiful hat box tucked deep in my closet. I should burn those.
I also wanted to point out, I don't blame her or anyone for my situation.
From July 6th to July 22nd, I spent most of my time drinking (I wasn't 21 yet), pretending to be happy, and sleeping a lot. I stopped working out and I just was sad. The day and hour they got married I was watching Judge Judy. I looked at the clock and I started balling. My nana came home, gave me one of her migraine pills and I slept for a long time. I remember not being able to feel my arms when I woke. I have no clue how long I actually slept for. When I did finally wake up, I would binge eat and consume massive amounts of Blue Bell ice cream.
I was told that he chose her over me because she was prettier, skinnier, and all around better than me. I believed it. I still believe it to this day.
I moved back to Hawaii shortly thereafter, I decided to get my life together. I went back to college--I paid for it all myself. I started to work at a bankruptcy law firm. I quickly went from a receptionist to a legal assistant while going to school full time. I finished and earned my degree. I kept myself busy, I would binge eat in private. I refused to eat at work. I would go to McDonalds, Burger King, or Taco Bell before going home and eat 3000 calories worth of food in one sitting. I was filling empty feelings and my hurt from the previous summer. I would work out and lose weight, something would happen and I would gain it all back. Then a little more.
As the years passed, I had quit and started a new job, and quit that job for my now current position.
The girl that was above me made me feel ugly, she would make fun of me to my face and behind my back. Her comments were hurtful and I would go in the bathroom and cry. I would then get a cookie or a hot chocolate from the food court in the building. Of course, to make myself feel better.
I was promoted and the girl and I were on the same level and we didn't work together any longer. I was happier and I started to work out again.
In the past year I gained weight due to binge eating. I can't stop it, it always happens at night and I eat everything in sight. I sneak food. It's shameful and it makes me sad. Why am I writing about it? Well my "food counselor" thought it was a good idea to share my secret for my personal growth, for my friends and family, and for anyone who stumbles across this blog.
While living on my own, I have started to develop habits that I hope last a life time. I want to be truly happy and in love with myself--which I'm sad to say I don't think I ever have been.
I hope to look back, a year from now, and blog about the positive changes that I went through.
If anyone in Hawaii is struggling with an eating disorder, I suggest to seek professional help from 'Ai Pono. They specialize in this field.
Now that I've spilled my secret,
I am going to explain my self healing process. Currently, I am trying to look at food a different way. I don't treat myself with Starbucks or with candy. I look at food as fuel for my body.
I have also started "practicing" Zen Buddhism and meditation. It helps clear my mind and once I'm finished, I'm able to focus on what is bothering me. I am not worrying or stressing out like I have before.
Since I'm only a week in, I plan on updating about this situation every Sunday. If anyone who reads this wants to give any tips anominously, you can message me on Facebook.
Until next time,
Sarah
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