Through the [Fat] Looking Glass

As new years resolutions are everywhere, "eat healthy" slogans are being advertised, and gyms/personal trainers are prostituting themselves, it's hard to not think about being healthy. Everyone has "health kick mode" in mind.

With that being said, lately I've been trying my best to really become healthy and have an athletic body type.

I'm trying to be fit. However, I'm not there yet due to underlying issues.

Everyone has a problem, however most people's problem's are hidden in a dark closet that no one can see. Alcoholism, compulsive shopping, gambling, and other various issues can be easily hidden. Weight, not so much. Overweight people have a problem that everyone else can see.

For as long as I can remember I've obsessed about how much I weigh and how I look. I have no clue why. I can't control it and it may always be a problem.  Yes, I have an eating disorder and yes, I've been seeking treatment for it. But the body image issues are still there. I'll lose weight and feel really good, until someone points out the elephant in the room.


A couple months ago, I was at my boyfriend's volunteer-thing and his former co-worker was talking about how her friend needed to make weight for their routine military weigh-ins. She was talking about how much her friend was eating X junk food and that the friend was going to have a problem with making weight. She turns towards me and said something along the lines of "there's nothing wrong with being overweight, but it's our job."

Okay... Thanks for the need to point that out to me...

I have no clue why someone needed to defend themselves after making a fat comment.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend had a house party. He invited a lot of his co-workers over and they ate, drank, and hung out. This guy came late and I was already outside with one of the guest's dog. Everyone was inside chatting away. After Mr.Fashionably-late and I stopped chatting, he went inside and made a comment "she's huge" referring to the pit-bull mix. No one realized he was commenting about the dog--they thought he was referring to me!  I was still outside and he quickly said that he was talking about the dog then someone said "Oh, I was about to say..."

Thanks. again.

Before I knew it hot, stinging tears ran down my face. I quietly and quickly wobbled walked away to gather myself.

When I went back to the party, I put my walls up and shut down.  I dawned fake smile and continued to look like I was having fun. The words kept replaying in my head like a sad song on repeat. I'm already socially awkward enough as it is.

This suit I'm in feels like I'm someone else. Yes, my currently body type feels like a costume. It isn't me, it's slightly scary and foreign. I have a soft belly, squishy thighs, and a big butt. I feel like I'm looking through someone else's eyes at myself. This really isn't me and who I am. When I catch a glimpse at myself, I know there is a streamlined Sarah somewhere in there, however she hasn't figured out a way to claw herself out. It's a hard thing to swallow. 

It makes me sad that people don't see the streamlined Sarah. They judge me on fat-suit Sarah. I want to rid myself of this emotional and physical baggage. I'm really this fun and caring person who loves fashion and anything with glitter.

This year my goal is whenever I look into the mirror I no longer hurt inside. I want to feel like the streamline version of myself. 

Let It Go

I think everyone can agree that there has been a detrimental occurrence in life that has made them cocoon theirselves in a big comfy blanket and cried.

**Since this is a public forum I'm leaving out names and places.**

I decided to forgive and try to forget all of the bad things that had happened. Of course we can always accept an apology from another person, but it's what's next that's important: actually forgiving.

I was at lunch with an attorney I work for and we were talking about the drama in our lives and then she asked about mine. I brought up a story of when I was younger, a guy who I was truly in love with (and dating) began dating someone else and ended up getting married to her. I cocooned myself and cried. Cried at the smallest things. I was heart broken.

It was awkward at first talking to him, I was at the receiving end of a call from him crying hours after they were married, he text messaged me after that, and ended up getting an annulment a week later (not because of me or anything I said, but it was an argument between them). A few months later he sat down with me and really apologized. I said "I forgive you". I was really, really angry at him.

Even though I said the words I forgive you I actually didn't. I still had so much built in anger. So much hurt. and so much sadness.

A few years later my wounds were healed and I forgave him. It took a lot of tears and screaming but I FINALLY was able to think about the hurt without crying or getting angry. I was able to move on.

My supervisor was surprised, to say the least, when finding out that I eventually forgave him. At first she didn't understand. It wasn't a fake forgive, it was a real one. I've moved on, I don't think about it anymore unless someone brings it up.

Many people accept apologies verbally, but not mentally or emotionally. I don't think it's fair to say "I forgive you" without actually forgiving them within yourself. If you end up getting back together as friends or romantically, it's not fair to either one of you.

Letting go of the hurt has really helped my happiness. I am able to smile and laugh while we're in the same room, verses before I wanted to strangle him or I'd give him the evil eye anytime he looked my way.

I can wholeheartedly say that I'm happy that I've fully forgiven him.

2013--Happy New Year!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Wow. 2012 was a real doozy. It was a roller coaster of emotions. I learned a lot and I'm looking forward to this new year.

I am one of those people who thinks that the new year is a fresh start. I don't do die hard resolutions but it reminds me that I need to sit down and think about goals for myself.

So, for all of you that think resolutions are a waste of time--don't call it a resolution. Call them "2013 Goals".


New years is a day that I can't help but think of the new year. Yes, it sounds like a captain obvious moment, but on a day like March 12th I won't think of goals. On June 3rd I won't have a designated time to think about potential accomplishments.  On October 19 I won't think of adventures I want to partake in.

Take the day to think about what YOU want and what will make YOU happy.