Through the [Fat] Looking Glass

As new years resolutions are everywhere, "eat healthy" slogans are being advertised, and gyms/personal trainers are prostituting themselves, it's hard to not think about being healthy. Everyone has "health kick mode" in mind.

With that being said, lately I've been trying my best to really become healthy and have an athletic body type.

I'm trying to be fit. However, I'm not there yet due to underlying issues.

Everyone has a problem, however most people's problem's are hidden in a dark closet that no one can see. Alcoholism, compulsive shopping, gambling, and other various issues can be easily hidden. Weight, not so much. Overweight people have a problem that everyone else can see.

For as long as I can remember I've obsessed about how much I weigh and how I look. I have no clue why. I can't control it and it may always be a problem.  Yes, I have an eating disorder and yes, I've been seeking treatment for it. But the body image issues are still there. I'll lose weight and feel really good, until someone points out the elephant in the room.


A couple months ago, I was at my boyfriend's volunteer-thing and his former co-worker was talking about how her friend needed to make weight for their routine military weigh-ins. She was talking about how much her friend was eating X junk food and that the friend was going to have a problem with making weight. She turns towards me and said something along the lines of "there's nothing wrong with being overweight, but it's our job."

Okay... Thanks for the need to point that out to me...

I have no clue why someone needed to defend themselves after making a fat comment.

A few weeks ago my boyfriend had a house party. He invited a lot of his co-workers over and they ate, drank, and hung out. This guy came late and I was already outside with one of the guest's dog. Everyone was inside chatting away. After Mr.Fashionably-late and I stopped chatting, he went inside and made a comment "she's huge" referring to the pit-bull mix. No one realized he was commenting about the dog--they thought he was referring to me!  I was still outside and he quickly said that he was talking about the dog then someone said "Oh, I was about to say..."

Thanks. again.

Before I knew it hot, stinging tears ran down my face. I quietly and quickly wobbled walked away to gather myself.

When I went back to the party, I put my walls up and shut down.  I dawned fake smile and continued to look like I was having fun. The words kept replaying in my head like a sad song on repeat. I'm already socially awkward enough as it is.

This suit I'm in feels like I'm someone else. Yes, my currently body type feels like a costume. It isn't me, it's slightly scary and foreign. I have a soft belly, squishy thighs, and a big butt. I feel like I'm looking through someone else's eyes at myself. This really isn't me and who I am. When I catch a glimpse at myself, I know there is a streamlined Sarah somewhere in there, however she hasn't figured out a way to claw herself out. It's a hard thing to swallow. 

It makes me sad that people don't see the streamlined Sarah. They judge me on fat-suit Sarah. I want to rid myself of this emotional and physical baggage. I'm really this fun and caring person who loves fashion and anything with glitter.

This year my goal is whenever I look into the mirror I no longer hurt inside. I want to feel like the streamline version of myself.